I’m from the “MySpace” generation where we all had our own little corner of the internet, and for many years I was one of the top bloggers on a Swedish page for so called “alternative people. I remember it being very satisfying to just have that place to offload everything that was on my mind. Writing is like therapy for me. I’ve missed it and even if I often use my social media to express myself it’s just not the same… Therefor I’ve decided to start up this blog again.
So, where to begin? My current life situation is kind of a mess. It feels like I’m being tested in some way.
I know that being human in this world is rarely easy, and it shouldn’t be, but sometimes you are truly pushed to the edge of sanity. When you believe things can’t get worse something happens to force you further down into that pitch black misery. At one point you wonder if it’s even worth it to try to get up again.. But you always do! Even if I’ve had to sleep through several days here and there I have to tell myself “it’s ok – health comes first!” and that is a reminder that I have to force myself to feel comfortable with.
Many of my followers are aware of that my mother has suffered from cancer, recovered and some months back we got to know that it got worse again. I’m praying every day for her to be happy and that she get to live and love for many more years to come. It’s so extremely unfair that she has to go through this on top of all the other things she had to endure during her whole life. I don’t know if any other human being as strong and amazing as her. She’s the definition of an angel, and there’s so much patience within her spirit. She doesn’t deserve anything else than the best. Me on the other hand have been a true pain in the ass the majority of my life, and suffering from severe depression from an early age I sometimes wishes I was the one who got her sickness instead. If I could trade with her, I would. There are so many times I have wished to leave this life, so it’s not fair that the people who really deserve and cherish life are the ones who will have to leave it too early against their own will. But I suppose there’s a reason for each and every of our struggles. Each is different and individual.
My spiritual part tells me that it’s the meaning of our time here, and that we are supposed to go through all of this for a reason. However it’s sometimes hard to not start asking if it’s all worth it, even if you know deep down that it is. Growing, evolving and in constant transformation. That’s the answer and the purpose of it all. But as I said, it’s extremely rough to fully understand and feel secure in all of that, especially when all those never ending struggles start to pile up and threatens to bury you.
One of my cats, Amadeus, is sick. We don’t know if he’s going to make it. He is slowly getting better but the medicine is extremely expensive. That’s not a huge issue, but it is adding to the stress of course. Money is always stressful, even when you have more than enough of it. It just has that aura. I guess that’s the issue – you can “never have enough”. There’s always more. I don’t think the concept is healthy for our spirit, and yet humanity tend to always walk the destructive path. It’s a curse, really. To witness.
I binged “How To Change Your Mind” on Netflix and it confirmed a lot of things that I’ve been thinking about. I guess it’s a good thing, even if I generally have very little faith in the future of mankind. At least I felt that there are humans out there that I can relate to compared to what I often feel, scrolling through social media and apps like TikTok. I guess I am just too focused on the wrong things and “my people” are not present where I’m at. Perhaps I need to start looking elsewhere and turn away from hype-media. To be honest most people should… There’s nothing healthy about it. With risk to sound like an old grumpy grandpa I must say that TikTok is the embodiment of everything I hate about people. I can come to think of few things that portray it better. Shallow, mindless and made to trigger all our negative features as a species. I’m afraid of what’s coming next, since it all just seem to algorithm itself deeper and deeper like a downwards spiral…. Another reason for me to take a step back to the old way of blogging. Sharp jawlines, silly dances, lip-syncing and the constant hype hysteria of the current ever changing trends without substance is just not my cup of tea.
Anyway, this was just a little start. It’s half past 5 in the morning and I really have to get some sleep. Hopefully I can wake up at a decent time today, but most likely not. It’s Saturday, so it’s kind of ok to just spend my day in bed but I’ve decided that after this weekend I’ll have to do my very best to get back to some sort of routine.
Wish me luck!